De Laugh & Smile

Ibrahim was, like all potential successors to the Ottoman throne, raised in seclusion at court in a building known as ‘The Cage.’ When an emperor was chosen, he would often have his brothers killed to avoid rivals usurping his throne. But the brother of Ibrahim left him alive, because he felt that Ibrahim was too mad to ever be a threat. After his brother’s death, Ibrahim was declared emperor – and released from his cage, he was able to express his eccentricities freely. It is said that he had a great liking for fat women; the fatter the better. One obese woman was found who so pleased him that he made her an imperial governor and gave her a pension. Apparently, the selection of this particular woman was due the resemblance of her private parts to those of a cow.


Jean-Bedel Bokassa ruled over the Central African Republic as President until 1976. It was in this year that he decided to convert the country into the Central African Empire, and declare himself to be Emperor Bokassa the First. His coronation was based on that of another soldier turned autocrat – Napoleon. The coronation cost a quarter of the country’s budget for the year, and was designed to proclaim the Emperor’s greatness to the world. Unfortunately for the self-esteem of Bokassa, no world leaders attended the coronation – perhaps deciding it was in poor taste in a country with such a high rate of poverty. The Empire collapsed, only two years after the coronation.


Nero became Emperor of Rome at the age of just 17. He was trained in all arts regarded as fitting for an aristocratic boy of the age. He could sing, play music, and recite poetry. But Nero was set apart by the fact that he was absolutely intent upon doing these things in public. Public displays in the arts were shameful for any person of breeding, in a world where actors and musicians were a mere hog’s breath above slaves and prostitutes in the social order.
Nero held games throughout Greece and Italy, in order to display his talents to the people. Invariably, the Emperor won all the prizes. His shows reportedly lasted so long that people had do devise extreme means of escaping them: old men would pretend to die and women would fake going into labour. When Nero was overthrown and preparing to die, one of his final utterances was, “What an artist dies in me.”


Qin Shi Huang became the first Emperor of a unified China in the 3rd century BC. Today, he is best remembered for his magnificent tomb – the one with an army of terra-cotta soldiers guarding it. If he had had his way, however, Qin Shi Huang would never have been buried at all. The emperor was obsessed with achieving literal immortality. He consulted doctors, and was prescribed sex as a way of maintaining youthful vitality. When this failed to prevent old age, he tried pills containing mercury. We now know that Mercury is unlikely to help with immortality – or sanity.
Expeditions were sent to find the mythical Islands of the Immortals, to retrieve their legendary potions. Eventually, the emperor did die – but we have yet to see his grave, as the central part of his vast tomb remains unexcavated. Supposedly, he is surrounded by rivers of his precious mercury.


Niyazov became president of Turkmenistan after the fall of the USSR. While eccentricities can be entertaining in private people, the problem with eccentric dictators is that they can impose their whims on the rest of us. Niyazov had many such whims – but his obsession with renaming things was perhaps the most pervasive. The months of the year were renamed to reflect his own glory, and that of past Turkmen heroes. The days of the week, from Sunday to Saturday, were respectively renamed: Rest-day, Main-Day, Young-Day, Favourable-Day, Justice-Day, Anna-Day, and Spirit-Day. Bread he simply renamed Mother. Soon after Niyazov’s death, his reforms were – perhaps unsurprisingly – undone.